Wednesday, July 6, 2016
The Ineffable, More to Say about, Ironically
Maybe you ended up here because you used a search engine to ask "have I committed the unpardonable sin?" or "can I get my faith back?" or "does Hebrews 6 or Hebrews 12 describe me?" or "have I blasphemed the Holy Spirit?"
I will tell you what happened to me. I hope it will help.
God was a kite at the end of my Faith String. I was trying so hard to hold on to God, trying so hard to identify heresy, to believe the right things. I won't say the Faith String snapped. It was more that the fingers of my mind no longer had the strength to hold on to it. I was left looking up at the Sky with empty hands. Was God gone because God had never been there in the first place? Or was God gone, never to return, because I stopped believing?
Hearing or reading about God was fine torture, and yet I continued to torment myself with thoughts of what I'd lost. Is it that way for you?
Over time, the obvious began to dawn on me: God is God, as God is, whether or not I believe in, and no matter what I believe about, God.
I fell backwards into God, knowing nothing but the fact that I wanted him. I felt a tug and a lift at the same time. I finally realized that I am a kite at the end of a string that God holds, not the other way around.
There are so many spirits beating the air with their wings! "Every wind of doctrine," political and religious, threatens to blow us about. I often find myself anxious about this, wanting to have The Answer to All of It, right now, a cable to tether God with, and if I don't have that cable, the lost, empty-handed feeling comes back. That's when I have to tell myself, yet again, what I am about to say to anyone who has landed here with the question, "Can I get my faith back?"
Jesus said: "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." The Spirit blows where the Spirit will blow. Even if Jesus was a fiber of the Faith String that slipped out of your hands, allow yourself to absorb and be comforted by the truth of what is expressed in that statement. God is in charge of your faith.
Sit still -- can you wait even as long as it takes for a cup of tea to brew? -- and ask --ask the Spirit, if you will--what on earth The-God-Who-Might-Exist wants from you, just for today, or just for the next hour if your distress is very great. There are things you need to know right now to get you through your day that I don't need to know to get me through mine. We both need to know that we are kites, and that God isn't letting go.
(This is a train of thought I started riding last Sunday, when I wrote the post, The Ineffable.)